*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Favourite diary entry ever
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.