* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
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[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
spot the difference
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.