Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*exercises sarcastically*
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.