a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!