They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia