My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I’m tired tomorrow.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”