It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.