A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You Might Also Like
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My beach vacation Google searches
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything