[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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My love language is deader than Latin
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting