I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay