How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
These aliens are taking forever.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
There is no “we” in pizza
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT