[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Check your privilege
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever