[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
You Might Also Like
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence