Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.