People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.