Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
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So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats