ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection