them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Dance like you’re not the father
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.