Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You Might Also Like
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.