Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I already tried new things thanks.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.