Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water