I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.