My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
what could possibly go wrong?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
huge if true: the moon
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh