I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib