Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Whoa… oh I see lol
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping