[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
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One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Sooo many times…..
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose