I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Can’t, holding a grudge
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!