Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
You Might Also Like
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment