I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?