Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
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Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The three genders.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
If I ignore life will it go away?