first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
when u come home smelling like another dog
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I didn’t come here to be called names
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.