I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*