Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Skills
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
A ghost story