*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked