If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though