me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Midwest trash talk