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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.