I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings