I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.