“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
“Wait, let me explain..”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.