[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver