Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
You Might Also Like
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?