When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts