Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.