If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Owl Sanctuary
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.