Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
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I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Don’t tell me what to do
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no