A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body