Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My first son he is wonderful
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.