Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
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a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”