Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy